I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
