My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
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