i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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