We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
