I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
