The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
