is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
