I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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