i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
