dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I need a burrito and a hug.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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