guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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