Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
