oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
