Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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