I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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