and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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