At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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