I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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