Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
