I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
