I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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