He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
