im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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