I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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