I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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