haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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