I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
