A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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