so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The best revenge is premature balding
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
