Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You may now shotgun with the bride
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
