I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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