you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
