apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Randomize
