Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
