Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
