obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
