so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
