Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
