if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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