This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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