the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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