Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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