WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
