8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I think my moral compass just broke
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
