so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
