I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
