He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
