I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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