what day is it and did you see me today?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
