So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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